Documentation Hell

Mom's passing started a whole new process: documenting her passing;  health insurance records, medical records finance, life insurance, social security, medicare, banks, investment houses...the list goes on and on.  All have their own requirements. 

I spent 3 days trying to get through all of this with my father.  Much to his credit, he kept himself together and made a lot of difficult decisions in a couple of days. Thankfully most of the hard work with that is done and we can start getting into a more normal routine.

Why Would You Say That

I have been writing very personal emotions the last week.  Sandy, my sensibility checker, kept saying, "Are you sure you want to write that?", "I am worried you will regret writing that later".

By nature I am a bit private with my emotions, but I decided to share them for three reasons:

1. It is strangely therapeutic.  
2. To record my emotions so I can really remember things clearly
3. To help others prepare.  I never really understood the emotions I would have when someone I loved so much died.  Maybe others are in the same boat, and this could help.

I know things have been very dark, so I think this will be my last entry on the topic

Last Words

A colleague in Korea asked," What were the last words you said to your mother."  I knew right away, "I love you."   We always said it, and though it was a habit, it was meant each time.  A friend of my mother's wrote me and had the same experience. It gave her great solace.  

One final nice gift from my mother to her friends and family.

The Last Celebration

We had mom's funeral and she would have been thrilled.  My sister read a message she wrote with some help from my siblings.  It was funny and thoughtful and really captured who mom was.  Dad read a note of thanks and encouraged people to not morn mom's death, but celebrate her life. We had a reception afterwards and chatted with the large group.  At night we sat around the table and laughed and talked about mom, life and we laughed.

It was perfect.

Hiding Part II

I am really struggling with my mother's demise.  I do not know if it is because I loved her so much, I am not as emotionally strong as I thought, or I am just getting used to the idea of her passing, but I can't seem to even have a simple conversation about my mother without feeling like I am going to break down.  

At the viewing last night I just hid most of the night.  I am a little embarrassed by my actions, but I just wanted the focus to be on my mother and not a blithering idiot of a son. Hopefully people will forgive me.

She Was Loved

Last night was the viewing.  

People lined up for a couple of hours to say goodbye...there were hundreds of people.  Even though we had asked that donations be given in lieu of flowers, there was what the priest called, "a world record number of flowers".  Mom loved flowers and plants and maybe her friends thought there should be a lot to remember her. Not what we planned, but still very nice.  

She had so many great friends who have been wonderful through this process. When I would comment on the number of friends she had, mom's advice was always the same, "you have to be a good friend to have good friends".  Clearly she was a good friend to many. 

An End to Goodness

Last night mom died.

She was not a great woman...just an incredibly good woman. Her easy laugh, her quietly inspirational way of dealing with hardship, the way she inspired her children to believe they could do anything they wanted, slow to anger, but she still had a fiery spirit. She was a good friend to all, a good mother, a good daughter, a good wife...an incredibly good woman.

I know that many say these things when a parent passes, but there is not a day in my life that I did not know how lucky I am to have had her as a mother. I miss her so much already. I wonder if I ever will stop.

Hiding

Today the students have tests and I do not teach.   Kids still come into the office, so I have been wearing headphones so I do not have to interact with them.  I love the kids, but I am finding it impossible to hide my sadness today.

72 hours

There is a timeline for someone in mom's situation: you got to have progress in 72 hours or less.  We're past the deadline without progress.  The only thing keeping her alive now is a respirator.   Now a decision has to be made about the respirator.

How does a son make a decision to give up?  A husband?  When does it become selfish to keep someone alive just so you can avoid saying goodbye?  72 hours I suppose.

September 11th Part 2

On September 11th 2001 Sandy and I were volunteering in Quito, Ecuador.  We had all of the same emotions as all Americans had, but they were so much less intense because we were so far away and we could talk to others and forget about it.  This was good because the experience was much less intense than being in America.  It was bad because we missed a seminal moment in American history.  In some ways, we just did not understand our own country.

My mother is laying in ICU with diminishing prospects of a recovery.  My family has gathered there and it is an intense time.  I am not really part of things except for the daily update. I am missing another seminal moment in family history... I have no idea what this means.

Tough Times

Mom's initial test results are quite bad. She has brain damage and her heart has sustained further damage. The prognosis is quite bad.

I have to make plans for a return trip, and just to add a little additional stress, I did not have my alien registration card yet. Without this, I can not return to the country because it includes the re-entry permit. Thankfully we went to the immigration office and they issued the card immediately instead of taking the usual two weeks.

When 6885=1,000,000

Yesterday mom had her 4th operation in a year.  All serious. All have gone badly.  She sits in a medically induced coma 6885 miles away...feels like a million.  

Cheerful young girls laughing and screaming "hello teacher", boys screaming and wanting high 5's.  How do you tell them how you are feeling? Of course, you can't...they would not understand what I am saying.  I am just pretending that all is ok while inside nothing could be farther from the truth.